One Man's Perspective On Dating
I have to confess, I am a hopeless romantic. A rank sentimentalist like Rick Blaine. The jury is still out as to whether or not I believe in unicorns or the practice of spreading fairy dust, but I do believe in magic. With that, I wanted to offer my perspective on the game that is dating.
Following my divorce I took the disciplined position of cutting myself off from the very tempting world of beautiful women. I had the awareness to know that I needed to rebuild, heal, and get back to equilibrium however long it took. It would have been all too easy to fall into the graces of the first beautiful face that wanted to nurse me back to baseline but I was in an emotional place where I knew this practice would not be best for me in addition to being irresponsible with respect to someone else's emotions due to my own unavailability.
This was not an easy process. When I reflect on the pain that only those lonely periods can create, I marvel at being able to achieve what I did while struggling with those feelings without self sabotaging my progress and reaching out for instant comfort and gratification. I knew then that if I stayed committed to the process, I would come out on the other side a better person, a better man. I was right.
Once I became open to the prospect of dating and finding love, I realized I was a different person from the person I was prior to meeting my ex-wife. I only wanted to date women I was genuinely interested in and attracted to, and that number is scarce. I wanted to find someone I would enjoy waking up to as opposed to going to sleep with. I would eventually meet that woman and would ride the rush of those emotions for the time I was privileged to experience them. My experience was that of getting kicked in the head by a Bill Wallace in his prime. I mean this in a good way as a kick like that would have us seeing colors that weren't really there. ( I am showing my age with that reference )
My single dating experience would be one I look forward to replicating. After having a night out with the only two single male friends I have, it dawned on me why they don't like dating. They actively are seeking their own colpi di fulmine. The difference is that when one is trying to bring the expectation of someone being 'the one' is something you experience ten times a year versus once a year, (or once in four years as was my experience) the wear and tear on the emotional self can be daunting.
Men can play macho and insensitive all they want, but all humans want the same thing. We all want to feel loved, supported, accepted and nurtured. We want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, and we all want to have a purpose. The right intimate relationship satisfies many of these things. Here is where we are too complex in the world of primates. We want these things from the people we specifically want to give them to us. And for some of us, this is where those proverbial bodies are buried. A person can present us with everything we think we want. They can for all intents and purposes be perfect and still have us run the other way. Intimacy issues vary, we all have them. My were centered around fear mostly. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, and one or two other goodies. The time I spent alone building myself up helped me to lasso in my own fears and with that came a certain freedom to live and to be comfortable taking those risks to be vulnerable. I've been to hell and back a dozen times or so. While I continue to get singed, burnt, bent, chipped, or fractured, I don't break. I can only be made better, stronger, and wiser. This is a mindset. I think if people were to clearly define to themselves what they want, be open and patient to that end, dating could be a more pleasant experience. But what do I know, I am after all a hopeless romantic.
#elliotyi
#paradigmleft
#habits
#mindset
Following my divorce I took the disciplined position of cutting myself off from the very tempting world of beautiful women. I had the awareness to know that I needed to rebuild, heal, and get back to equilibrium however long it took. It would have been all too easy to fall into the graces of the first beautiful face that wanted to nurse me back to baseline but I was in an emotional place where I knew this practice would not be best for me in addition to being irresponsible with respect to someone else's emotions due to my own unavailability.
This was not an easy process. When I reflect on the pain that only those lonely periods can create, I marvel at being able to achieve what I did while struggling with those feelings without self sabotaging my progress and reaching out for instant comfort and gratification. I knew then that if I stayed committed to the process, I would come out on the other side a better person, a better man. I was right.
Once I became open to the prospect of dating and finding love, I realized I was a different person from the person I was prior to meeting my ex-wife. I only wanted to date women I was genuinely interested in and attracted to, and that number is scarce. I wanted to find someone I would enjoy waking up to as opposed to going to sleep with. I would eventually meet that woman and would ride the rush of those emotions for the time I was privileged to experience them. My experience was that of getting kicked in the head by a Bill Wallace in his prime. I mean this in a good way as a kick like that would have us seeing colors that weren't really there. ( I am showing my age with that reference )
My single dating experience would be one I look forward to replicating. After having a night out with the only two single male friends I have, it dawned on me why they don't like dating. They actively are seeking their own colpi di fulmine. The difference is that when one is trying to bring the expectation of someone being 'the one' is something you experience ten times a year versus once a year, (or once in four years as was my experience) the wear and tear on the emotional self can be daunting.
Men can play macho and insensitive all they want, but all humans want the same thing. We all want to feel loved, supported, accepted and nurtured. We want to be a part of something bigger than ourselves, and we all want to have a purpose. The right intimate relationship satisfies many of these things. Here is where we are too complex in the world of primates. We want these things from the people we specifically want to give them to us. And for some of us, this is where those proverbial bodies are buried. A person can present us with everything we think we want. They can for all intents and purposes be perfect and still have us run the other way. Intimacy issues vary, we all have them. My were centered around fear mostly. Fear of rejection, fear of not being good enough, and one or two other goodies. The time I spent alone building myself up helped me to lasso in my own fears and with that came a certain freedom to live and to be comfortable taking those risks to be vulnerable. I've been to hell and back a dozen times or so. While I continue to get singed, burnt, bent, chipped, or fractured, I don't break. I can only be made better, stronger, and wiser. This is a mindset. I think if people were to clearly define to themselves what they want, be open and patient to that end, dating could be a more pleasant experience. But what do I know, I am after all a hopeless romantic.
#elliotyi
#paradigmleft
#habits
#mindset
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