Why I'll Never Get Married Again But Can Easily Commit
I'm at the age in my life where unfortunately the majority of my friends are either divorced, getting divorced, separated, getting separated, or struggling miserably to convince themselves they are happy in their marriages. The very last thing this writing desires to be is a marriage bashing vehicle. I do know some people who are very happily married but they are the exception and not the norm in my limited experience.
The statistics on marriage will make even the most optimistic person have cause for concern if they are aware of them. As a divorced man I think it necessary to offer some background on myself. I am not anti commitment. On the contrary those that know me personally will acknowledge I am somewhat of a romantic. I was happily married for six years and with my ex wife four years prior to getting married. In those ten years I was totally committed to my partner and my relationship so commitment is not an issue for me. I got married for reasons I believe most people do. Granted I was in love but I had never given marriage any real thought. I never defined exactly what marriage was to me or what it meant. I just had this belief this is what people do once they are at a certain age and in a loving and committed relationship.
Although I didn't have the healthiest of templates to operate on, I did a good job of working to have a good marriage and to have a good divorce. (My ex wife and I probably have a better relationship than most married couples) My parents' marriage was a complete boondoggle. Together for twenty years and separated now for almost thirty (they are still legally married) I don't ever recall them having a single conversation about their marriage, separation or the expectations of either. As anyone who studies the different realms of human behavior can attest, if you don't have what you want clearly defined you will never have it. I never had clearly defined what my belief or expectation of marriage was. Now that I do, I can write with confidence I don't want it.
I don't come from a culture (I am half Puerto Rican and half Korean born in the U.S.) where marriage is an ingrained practice so I have been given free reign to create my own definition. I don't need the security of forever. I don't have a belief or an expectation that marriage will solve or fix any problems a relationship has. (It won't) I don't need to marry for economic reasons. A judge or pastors word is not going to carry more weight in my commitment than my own. I am not interested in someone who has a need for the security of forever. So where does that leave me?
Like every other apex social mammal on the planet I desire love, intimacy, and connection. I am just of the belief that I can have these things without the legal contract of marriage. Marriage is something that is as old as human civilization and cultural practices of it have been around for forty thousand years so the institution isn't going anywhere. But change is always a constant and things evolve as such. I don't believe divorce rates are an indication of peoples' feelings towards commitment just to their ideas about marriage. My commitment to my ex wife had little to do with the fact that we were married and everything to do about how commitment is a core value to me. A legal document, a cultural practice, or a big party will not keep you committed or make you happy unless you have these intrinsically operating within the self.
The statistics on marriage will make even the most optimistic person have cause for concern if they are aware of them. As a divorced man I think it necessary to offer some background on myself. I am not anti commitment. On the contrary those that know me personally will acknowledge I am somewhat of a romantic. I was happily married for six years and with my ex wife four years prior to getting married. In those ten years I was totally committed to my partner and my relationship so commitment is not an issue for me. I got married for reasons I believe most people do. Granted I was in love but I had never given marriage any real thought. I never defined exactly what marriage was to me or what it meant. I just had this belief this is what people do once they are at a certain age and in a loving and committed relationship.
Although I didn't have the healthiest of templates to operate on, I did a good job of working to have a good marriage and to have a good divorce. (My ex wife and I probably have a better relationship than most married couples) My parents' marriage was a complete boondoggle. Together for twenty years and separated now for almost thirty (they are still legally married) I don't ever recall them having a single conversation about their marriage, separation or the expectations of either. As anyone who studies the different realms of human behavior can attest, if you don't have what you want clearly defined you will never have it. I never had clearly defined what my belief or expectation of marriage was. Now that I do, I can write with confidence I don't want it.
I don't come from a culture (I am half Puerto Rican and half Korean born in the U.S.) where marriage is an ingrained practice so I have been given free reign to create my own definition. I don't need the security of forever. I don't have a belief or an expectation that marriage will solve or fix any problems a relationship has. (It won't) I don't need to marry for economic reasons. A judge or pastors word is not going to carry more weight in my commitment than my own. I am not interested in someone who has a need for the security of forever. So where does that leave me?
Like every other apex social mammal on the planet I desire love, intimacy, and connection. I am just of the belief that I can have these things without the legal contract of marriage. Marriage is something that is as old as human civilization and cultural practices of it have been around for forty thousand years so the institution isn't going anywhere. But change is always a constant and things evolve as such. I don't believe divorce rates are an indication of peoples' feelings towards commitment just to their ideas about marriage. My commitment to my ex wife had little to do with the fact that we were married and everything to do about how commitment is a core value to me. A legal document, a cultural practice, or a big party will not keep you committed or make you happy unless you have these intrinsically operating within the self.
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