The Importance of Being Able To Self Regulate
Let's face it, it is hard to self regulate. When we are going through difficult times, facing adversity, or not feeling our best, it is easy to fall into patterns we'd rather not. Our ability to comfort ourselves in these times is a valuable skill. It is a skill that requires awareness and desire to develop and is one of the most beneficial skills we can have in our lives.
Walter Michel's The Marshmallow Test illustrated the importance of our ability to delay gratification and its long term benefits. Our decision making ability and our ability to focus are greatly enhanced when we can self regulate in times of discomfort and delay gratification. The simplest tools used by children in this experiment were to enter the realm of make believe. To be able to hold out from eating marshmallows, some children resorted to creating make believe scenarios that would prohibit them from eating them until the time elapsed and the bell sounded.
As we get older we have this tendency to get more full of ourselves than we realize. We believe our thoughts to be more real and truer than not and this can have the effect of making us very rigid in dealing with our emotions and feelings. We think we know more than we do so we stop asking questions particularly of ourselves. The ability to strengthen our self regulatory powers never goes away we just never work to develop it. Instead we seek out the mechanisms of instant comfort like food, alcohol, work, sex, shopping etc. This is not an opinion piece with the intent to cast judgment on these behaviors as we all have our vices, but if we can work to develop mindfulness in those areas we know we need to improve we can considerably transform our lives, and the lives of others, for the better.
Consistent effort to grow and work on your personal development is key. This doesn't require living a life of masochistic mechanisms but does require us to sit in discomfort and productively create outlets for us to grow. When we work to this end it makes our occasional tasting of our vices that much more enjoyable because we know we are choosing it at our will. That chocolate cake becomes that much more delicious because we don't have it as often and we know it is our choice to have.
We have to do difficult things to improve and grow. But instead of framing these things as difficult or unpleasant, try framing them as challenging or rewarding. Simple word games can have a tremendous effect on the mental models we apply to situations and can significantly change our ability to self regulate.
The other benefit to improving our powers of self regulation is that we will have a greater impact regulating others. As a social species we regulate each other both physically and emotionally. Couples unknowingly sync up their heart rates and breathing patterns. Emotional connection and physical touch soothes us. It provides a sense of emotional stability and psychological protection. Dopamine and serotonin productions increases with human touch. This is why hugs, massages, and other displays of physical affection feel so good, and are healthy to practice. Touch cultures are far more happier than non touching cultures. The nerve receptors on the arms and face are far more sensitive to touch than any of the other receptors on the skin of the body and our affection for touch is why. It is an evolutionary construct for us to connect and regulate one another. All primates have this. Chimps groom one another as a sign of affection and co-regulation of one another. It is truly a superpower when we can regulate others. People are able to withstand more physical pain when their significant other is present. Our ability to improve our self regulatory processes come with time and being in those emotional space. The benefits are untold both for ourselves and to others, particularly to those we love.
Walter Michel's The Marshmallow Test illustrated the importance of our ability to delay gratification and its long term benefits. Our decision making ability and our ability to focus are greatly enhanced when we can self regulate in times of discomfort and delay gratification. The simplest tools used by children in this experiment were to enter the realm of make believe. To be able to hold out from eating marshmallows, some children resorted to creating make believe scenarios that would prohibit them from eating them until the time elapsed and the bell sounded.
As we get older we have this tendency to get more full of ourselves than we realize. We believe our thoughts to be more real and truer than not and this can have the effect of making us very rigid in dealing with our emotions and feelings. We think we know more than we do so we stop asking questions particularly of ourselves. The ability to strengthen our self regulatory powers never goes away we just never work to develop it. Instead we seek out the mechanisms of instant comfort like food, alcohol, work, sex, shopping etc. This is not an opinion piece with the intent to cast judgment on these behaviors as we all have our vices, but if we can work to develop mindfulness in those areas we know we need to improve we can considerably transform our lives, and the lives of others, for the better.
Consistent effort to grow and work on your personal development is key. This doesn't require living a life of masochistic mechanisms but does require us to sit in discomfort and productively create outlets for us to grow. When we work to this end it makes our occasional tasting of our vices that much more enjoyable because we know we are choosing it at our will. That chocolate cake becomes that much more delicious because we don't have it as often and we know it is our choice to have.
We have to do difficult things to improve and grow. But instead of framing these things as difficult or unpleasant, try framing them as challenging or rewarding. Simple word games can have a tremendous effect on the mental models we apply to situations and can significantly change our ability to self regulate.
The other benefit to improving our powers of self regulation is that we will have a greater impact regulating others. As a social species we regulate each other both physically and emotionally. Couples unknowingly sync up their heart rates and breathing patterns. Emotional connection and physical touch soothes us. It provides a sense of emotional stability and psychological protection. Dopamine and serotonin productions increases with human touch. This is why hugs, massages, and other displays of physical affection feel so good, and are healthy to practice. Touch cultures are far more happier than non touching cultures. The nerve receptors on the arms and face are far more sensitive to touch than any of the other receptors on the skin of the body and our affection for touch is why. It is an evolutionary construct for us to connect and regulate one another. All primates have this. Chimps groom one another as a sign of affection and co-regulation of one another. It is truly a superpower when we can regulate others. People are able to withstand more physical pain when their significant other is present. Our ability to improve our self regulatory processes come with time and being in those emotional space. The benefits are untold both for ourselves and to others, particularly to those we love.
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